Lonely but not Alone

December 6, 2022 

Dear Diary, 

I am now in Carcassonne, France. I have been here for 7 days. A few things, I didn’t cry when I said goodbye to my parents at the Airport. And by some miracle, when I looked back at my mom while walking through security, and saw her red eyes welling with tears - I still didn’t cry. I was so sure I would, but I didn’t. I’ll leave the deep dive analysis of this for another day (or never). Before coming, everyone in my life only had positive things to say and share with me. They affirmed my decision to move and assured me over and over again how exciting and brave this journey was. They made me feel confident in my new life venture and effectively dashed 75% of the fears I had going in. But one dear friend -- Honey, in both encouraging and cheering me on, shared some of the realities of the life I was to embark on. Having lived abroad herself, she shared that the experience will be unbelievable. It will be life changing and it will be fun beyond belief. But she also shared that it will be difficult. The biggest challenge will be the loneliness. Moving to a foreign country where you don’t speak the language, and where you know next to no one, loneliness is sure to abound.

7 days in, and I can say I am lonely. I cannot remember the last time I spent this much time with myself. Back home, when I was lonely it was mainly by choice, and had the option to easily connect with a family member or friend. But here, in Carcassonne, I don't have that... yet. It’s an interesting experience, especially in a town that’s decked out for Christmas - a holiday that screams togetherness, close contact, and love. The town is full of merry reveries. Spanish and French couples and families abound. The center of town legit looks like Santa’s village (sans snow), with a splash of the made up idyllic town in every Hallmark Christmas romance.

And in the midst of all the Christmas cheer and palpable love in the air, is the single unit of me. I miss my family, especially my babies (Jus, Jo, and Angel). I miss my friends and our not frequent enough meetups. I miss working, and miss the familiarity of grocery shopping in English (everything here is in French - which makes sense. I mean it really does make sense. Yet the reality of living it is still shocking 🤷🏾‍♀️). I miss my time zone (a little weird?) because it created easy access to loved ones. I miss knowing the people in my space. I miss being able to understand the conversations floating around me. Until I learn French, there’s no overheard in Carcassonne. The loneliness is magnified by my cripplingly slow WIFl. So not only am I lonely, I can’t distract and lose myself by binge watching Netflix without the interruption of the cursed buffering circle. But with loneliness comes awareness; yup my lesson.

What I finally ate... pork cheeks

There’s been lots of self awareness going on here. When you have to talk to yourself, live with yourself, and entertain yourself - you have no choice but to learn a few things about yourself. Ok, for example, I learned today that my mastered skill of indecision is no match for hunger. Despite being hungry, I mean really hungry – having not eaten anything today (it was almost 1pm), I wandered around the city center walking past the same shops and restaurants for the good part of 30 minutes (it was more), looking for my goldilocks cafe. My indecision apparently also makes me shy. Not sure how that’s a thing, but alas - it is, and that’s what I’m rocking with right now. I’ve also rediscovered my shameless obsession with love and all things romance. There’s nothing like being lonely in a foreign country to remind you that you’re single. Like really single; more single than Uncle Scar (though he did eventually murder his way into leadership and a pride). Don’t worry, I’m not made for that life. 🙃

I might be lonely, but I am not alone. I am never alone because God is always with me, in me and around me. Ha! Got ya, you thought this was just going to be a sad, sad diary entry, but then I hit you with the “God is always with me!” Well no apologies here, we all have our ways of coping in difficult situations. And since avoidance (a personal fave) is not available to me right now, I am leaning heavily on God. I figure since God led me here, the least He can do is not leave me alone - that’d just be too much. So though things are different now, notice I didn’t say difficult (call it avoidance, or maybe optimism) I know this too shall pass. Nothing lasts forever. So stay tuned diary, anything is possible. Heck, I might find a prince and fall madly in love. 🤫😉

Song recommendation: Walk me Home by P!nk